Now that the year of the horse is about to go up in a cloud of vape, it is important to acknowledge what kept the human race spinning around its axis. Both globally and personally I would say it was the year of four letter words, and excess. You will see many of these four letter words in this scatterbrained and slightly lame attempt to impersonate Dave Barry’s year in review.
Since Google officially bought planet earth and made it the second richest public offering to Google itself, we have officially reached a Jetsons like existence. The nice part is that we can be teleported anywhere, hands and emissions free, but must be wary of stray drones and debris from planes shot down by Russian militants. That Russian Scientist who runs Tesla Ian Musk is working with his Space-X to colonize Mars, meanwhile most of us muggles just struggle to find a relatively stress free way get to Whole Foods.
Looking back, the most scared right for most Americans, even more important than the right to show “The Interview” was the right to inhale. The preferred substance is of course marajuana reminding us that most people west of the Mississippi still think the best days of their lives were their college days. They’re probably right. Now of all my vices, marjuana is not one of them but given its national popularity, one must at least become a recreational user if I to consider running for president. Speaking of which….. (four letter word alert) not only did Jeb Bush declare his intention to run for president but so did his wife, as did Laura and Barbara Bush as well as their top secret service agents. , Although the election isn’t for another two years……the campaign is in full swing, with all 127 eligible candidates tweeting every thought that trickles through their mind and responding to their barbs through vape rings…
Obama, meanwhile, has to be an active vape user given his nonchalant attitude in the face of a brutal midterm election and and a bunch of bizarre foreign conflicts that include the mother of all terror cells knows as ISIS. Now I don’t mean to tread lightly on what is said to be worse threat than Al-Qaeda but there is something about the acronym ISIS that makes me think more of the bearded guy at Kennedy Park than a deadly insurgently operation in Iraq and Syria.
In other marajuana news, Lebron James, after a long night in a Colorado coffee shop decided that he much preferred snowshoeing to jet skiing and returned to Cleveland to finish what promises to be a long, cold and “interesting” career. Emerging from that same coffee shop several months later, notoriously frugal owner Jeffrey Loria shocked the locals by signing star outfielder Giancarlo “The Man once known as Mike Stanton” to the richest contract in sports history. However when Loria’s high wore off, he amended the contract to state that Stanton now must pay the salaries of the rest of his teammates not to mention, manage and pitch whenever the team travels to Colorado.
Speaking of excess there were excess Bill Cosby allegations, excess female pop stars, excess buildings going up in a once visible Miami skyline, excess aps. excess people to text and excess money to already really really rich people. They are probably vap-ing to their success as I write.
Yes 2014 was a banner year for many four letter words – gays, cars, NYSE, GOP’s, IPO’s and IP6’s, but perhaps the greatest beneficiary of them all was Uber, a company that makes you want to use it just because of the really cool ap.
Now apparently Uber started four years ago but Rip Van Winkles like myself were a little slow on the uptake. We preferred to take really ugly cabs, driven by now “legalized” immigrants who were hygenically challenged and hailed from countries where the only official driving law was not to hit a politician. The same cabs charged an extra two dollars if you answered your phone plus ten if you said anything derogatory about speeding. More often than not cabs were late but in the oft chance they arrived early, Pakistani Phil would charge four dollars for every minute he waited.
Then came Uber to the rescue. Clean cars, better prices, kind drivers, immediate service. It almost makes you want to go the airport for absolutely no reason at all.
Not to be too maudlin but 2014 was a sad year too. Robin Williams, the lost planes, the pre-segregation acts of legal injustice in big American cities, Ebola and a host of other very tragic events. Life wouldn’t be life without disappointment but still.
Maybe he’ll get a little of my sense of humor but not to any excess. In 2014 I think I left my humor in a cab somewhere in Italy. Maybe I’ll get really lucky in 2015 and find it in an Uber.
Even I’ll Vape to that. Happy 2015