Pluto who?

Last month Apple Computers, the de facto ninth planet, the primary cause of our collective brain drain, and the global entity with the third largest GDP, announced its next iteration, the iPhone 10.

'I resent being called a 'dwarf'... I prefer the term 'little planet'!'

Like the rest of you I was confused since the iPhone 8 just came out, which aside from the impression the 7 had also just been released,  implied Apple was flat out skipping version 9.

Insiders say the reason for the bypass is the announcement came on the 10th anniversary of the release of the original Iphone (the unofficial end of rationality) but anyone with a modicum of tech savvy knows that real reason is 10 is the maximum amount of seconds one can wait to check their phone when any form of work has been completed.

iphone 4

The phone is set to cost $1000, which seems absurd until you stop to consider it’s just the equivalent of two very minor replacement parts  and a service call for a TRANE air conditioner.

Apple, whose goal is to update the iPhone more quickly than users can figure out how to use the current model, is said to have used every technology known to man to prototype the 10 including infrared rays, the Gutenberg printing press, combustion engines, wind power and reverse osmosis to create the new model. It even had seances with Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein.

ipone ten

I have the whole world in the palm of my hand

 And it looks like it’s worth the wait, and weight in gold, as in addition to  x-ray vision, a taser, an ability to locate lost golf balls, disable police radar, increase erections duration by simply touching the tip of the family jewels with the phone, delay the onset of green lights while texting (perhaps its most important feature), softening speed bumps, unclogging arteries, it can  fold a fitted sheet without much ado .

fitted sheet

The I-phone X is also said to emit a vaccine to prevent people from contracting the very disease for which each model of the I-phone has become a stronger carrier, phone addiction

Apple CEO Tim Cook, who doesn’t really like Apple products that much, says the ghost of Steve Jobs visited him every night while he was trying to figure out how to delete the signature feature on the Iphone 7 and told him to create the ninth planet of phones or “I’ll make you straight”!

 The announcement for next year’s phone was made in Apple’s new spaceship like headquarters in Cupertino California I facility entire entirely powered by all the lithium Apple has opted to withhold from iPhone batteries themselves.


Does anyone miss landlines?

 Cook also downplayed the iteration except to say that a seemingly unfillable void was left in the solar system when Pluto was downgraded and he felt the time was right to try to refill the space. “Visitors to our microchip colonies and cosmic transmitters will discover lifeforms we never knew existed at nano-lightspeed”, sad Cook.

Fans, the ghost of Steve Jobs, and anyone who doesn’t want to have to make conversations with her significant other or with acquaintances in public places were exhilarated by the news.

Said Samir Singh, 23, a microbiology graduate student at Cal Tech said, “I am considering selling a kidney just to buy the phone”.

Or take the comments of Abby Bloggs, 57, of Topeka. “Frankly I have been married long enough to know my husband has nothing of great value to say to me and I’ve forgotten how to crochet, so I am just as excited about the virtual conversation feature with literary protagonists as I was about my first born. Besides my kids might actually think I’m cool if I tell them I’m putting in an order for the 10.”

Or take Anton Chevosky, 9, who by age four was able to explain to his parents how to swipe and add storage space without added fees. “Listen I don’t know what all the mumbo jumbo about streamlining functionality and seamlessly perfecting the techno-aesthetic marriage is, but it sure is exciting to know that I will never have to have a face to face conversation with my parents again.”

So change your AC filters now and maybe clean the coils just a tad. Because come next summer, the last thing you want to happen is for you to have to pass on the 9th planet because you had a “faulty” compressor intake modulator.