Can’t fight the urge… or maybe that’s someone else

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 – Photo taken from Donald J. Trump’s upcoming book on Zen Buddhism

Last week in my inauguration piece, I wrote about how at the beginning of the day, there was a hint of bipartisanship in the air, courtesy of a “smoke out” aptly timed to precede Trump’s inauguration speech and swearing in. After accidentally stumbling upon the rally, or gathering, or zombie fest (whatever the proper label is), I tried to convince, or maybe console, a few happy attendees that de-legalizing recreational marijuana use was not “high” on the president-elect’s agenda.

Depending on what side of the fence you stand, this has either been a bold or brazen week for President, actually lets just call him Ronald Mc”Donald” Trump. I will reserve more judgment until after my description.

As an aspiring journalist, I am also not sure whether to be appalled or enriched by all the commotion, but as someone who is drawn to satire, this is truly  manna from heaven.

And as far as the weed issue goes, lets just say Mr. Trump himself might benefit from keeping it”high” on his priority list, and even more so, for the rest of us, even those like me, who are not too well-versed on the ways of the weed world.

Size matters (at least to Trump)

The hullabaloo started last Tuesday when after three or so days of staying on his meds, a man who is pathologically insecure, admitted his embarrassment at the stated size of his, especially compared to Obama’s, size of his, size of his…………… inauguration crowd.

Granted many aging men express clinical despair over the size of their………..inauguration crowds, but this is something you are supposed to well, sort of keep in your pants.

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Mr. Trump, in what then could only be described as both delusional and maybe the subject of a good Polock joke, took to compensating for his inferiorly sized inauguration crowd by challenging the popular vote count of 10 weeks ago, perhaps asking for a recount. I could think of ridiculous analogies galore but will simply say this would be like the Super Bowl winning quarterback taking steroids before the game, celebrating in the locker room, prepping for his Disneyworld junket then sometime the next day, and then stating that outcome of the Super Bowl should not be made official until both teams’ quarterbacks are tested for steroids. Or calling the IRS to revisit the tax code because you think you cheated on your taxes.

Hopefully you get the point.

His insistence on voter fraud was all the buzz until he created another diversion by experiencing an intense bout of a premature executive-actulation. Needless to say, Mr. Trump has gotten a bit infatuated with his newfound power, a little bit like giving an eight year old a bazooka squirt gun at a mid July birthday pool party. The only problem of course, is Mr. Trump’s executive action gun has a little wider range.

Wednesday:

This reckless spree started by re-igniting the border war with Mexico, in the form of announcing an executive action to build the wall. Can anyone please say “Mr. Anderson, Mr. Anderson?”

Having considered the sane possibility of mending PR fences with our closest neighbor and largest trading partner in the hemisphere, Mr. Trump opted to fan the flames of mistrust. His solution: return to his bravado-filled, almost drunken pledge to build a border wall and make Mexicans pay for it by of all measures, forcing them to sell everything they stole from the Incas back to Peru and reclaiming the copyright royalties to Speedy Gonzales.

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Arriba, Arriba, Andale, Andale – Translation: “I can run faster than you could build!”

What psychologists now associate with this draconian pledge is a latent resentment towards Mexican culture, specifically at Dos Equis for not choosing him many years back as “The Most Interesting Man in the World”.

Thursday:

Speaking of Speedy Gonzales, Mr. Trump pledged a day later to re-assemble his national security team, removing anyone with expertise in the field and/or peaceful intentions and instead replacing them with John Rambo, Ted Nugent, Yosemite Sam and Wayne LaPierre, the head of the N.R.A.. Atilla the Hun was also added as an honorary member.

Friday:

Speaking of honor, Mr. Trump did the most honorable thing he could do to “honor” the many domestic achievements of former president Barak Obama by moving even further to undo Obamacare which provided health insurance to 20 million previously uninsured Americans; In fairness, Mr. Trump opted to keep several important provisions from the original bill by maintaining coverage on pre-existing conditions such as delusion, megalomania, erectile dysfunction and premature executive-actulation.

Saturday:

Speaking of Viagra, Mr. Trump was in full erectile spirit when he issued his 73rd Executive Action of the week (2 more than his number of tweets) by declaring a ban on transients entering the U.S. from Muslim dominated countries that have at least two syllables in their names, falafel sandwiches whichcost more than the cost of an inauguration t-shirt and places where the most popular hashtag is now #WeactuallymissGeorgeW.Bush

The ban has not gone over well with unexpectedly detained passengers, many of whom were asked to play interrogatory games of uncle in which they were asked questions such as:

(1) If Allah’s name was changed to Trumpah, would you now bestow praises on him ten times a day instead of your traditional five?”

and

(2) if they would issue a religious fatwa that would force Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to change his name back to Lew Alcindor.

Speaking of tall people, Donald Trump claimed he had finished reading his first novel in 40 years, a little Spanish fantasy tale named Don Quixote. Asked what he liked most about the book, Trump was quick to respond: “I like his imagination, you know his flexibility of mind. This Quixote guy, along with his sidekick Steve Bannon, I mean Sancho Panza, is a visionary. He tends to see things that, well, the average person, does not.”

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Stay tuned my friends, Dos Equis may have new “Most Interesting Man in the World” campaign, Just don’t be surprised if they change the adjective in that punchline.